Ok here goes…. I have spent many a waking hour pondering over the idea of whether to start a blog or not. Whether to put myself out there for the world to see. But in a world where there are so many taboos that need to be broken, and issues that are so misunderstood I thought heck, why not! And not only am I doing this to hopefully one day help others, but also to help myself. The word ‘cathartic’ comes to mind.
My name is India. I’m 24 years old. I live in London. And I am 226 days sober today. My sobriety birthday is March 31st, 2018. And giving up alcohol saved my life.
I don’t know where to start really, as so much has happened in life (I am constantly telling people I should have memoirs written about me even though I am only 24). So I will start with the day I found AA, and the rooms.
I had just come out of a very toxic relationship which, towards the end, left me so physically and emotionally broken I thought there was no way I could carry on living. So I drank, and I drank a lot. I drank when I was with him to get through the day, and to face coming home. I drank when it ended to try and numb the overwhelming emotions that left me wanting to end it all. One day, on a Saturday morning at 8am, I took a sip of wine. I was so depressed and in such a dark place at the time it was the only thing I could turn to. By 6pm I was 4 bottles of wine down and a hell of a lot of gin had passed through me. As many are aware, alcohol is a depressant anyway, and by 6:15 I was on the kitchen floor with a kitchen knife in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. For some reason, unbeknown to me, I called my mother. She called her friend in the rooms who told me to call this number and ask for help.
Half an hour later, I was in a taxi (wearing gym gear as I thought I would fool everyone into thinking I was ok), and on the way to an AA meeting. I stopped off at a bar, with a bottle of gin in my bag. I didn’t know what AA was, I didn’t know why I was going but I had hit such a hard rock bottom I didn’t have anywhere else to go and took the advice of others as it as my only hope.
I don’t remember my first meeting. I was in blackout and was drinking throughout the meeting. Pretty heroic hey! I sobered up and a girl comes up to me, not knowing just how bad a state I was really in, and invited me for dinner. That girl told me to go to a meeting the next day, told me about AA, and saved my life. The kindness of strangers that day saved my life and I have to keep saying that as a reminder to myself how lucky I am to still be alive. I shouldn’t be.
That day wasn’t the last drink I had. I went on a date a week later and decided to tell myself I didn’t have a problem and that I would have one drink… I failed with a big fat F. But that was my very last drink (hopefully my last one forever).
I guess through this blog you will learn more about what led me to lead a life of sobriety, how I ended up where I am but also learn about my journey. Being sober at 24 is both a blessing and a curse. There is this misconception that alcoholics live on park benches swigging bottles from brown bags – and I guess I want to challenge those perceptions because they could not be FURTHER from the truth.
Alcohol was costing me more than money, and I could never stop at just one drink. Therefore I have earnt my seat.
I hope to teach people of all the miracles that happen in sobriety, and what an incredible miraculous thing it is, but also to tell people about when times aren’t so easy. As that is just as important.
Phew.. I can breath now!